"THANKS"
Michael Bischoff

A friend and I were out to dinner one night and the servers were dutifully coming around filling up the water glasses.

"Thank you," my friend said, looking her in the eye and smiling appreciatively. Each time she came around and refilled the glasses, this happened again. As we paid at the register before we left, the cashier gave my friend his change. Once again, a "thank you," eye contact, and appreciative smile.

It seemed a little curious: this was a buffet-style restaurant, our water glasses were hardly in need of all the fillings they got, and the cashier really was just doing what she was paid to do. But every time, it was a very sincere thank you, as if we'd just been done a big favor.

Driving away, my friend sensed I was a little taken aback at what looked like over-mannerliness. I'm no boor, I say my thank you's too, but not at that level. That night, I was shown why I should act differently.

"I say thank you anytime anyone does something for me," he explained, "even if it's pretty small. And I say thank you lots of times where nobody else does, like when I hug someone. It makes the other person feel important. It lets them know they're appreciated. Everyone needs to know that. And when I say thank you where other people don't, they'll remember me and appreciate me, too. It works both ways."

Now my friend is not one of those super-extroverts who effortlessly makes pals with the whole world, so I couldn't rationalize away his talent at showing thankfulness. If he could do it, so could anybody: how hard is it to say thank you? Yet he clearly beats me and most others.

It's not as easy as I thought it would be, because even after learning this, I'm still not at his level, nor does it appear too many others are, either. Still, I don't like to make excuses, and even though I think we're all basically appreciative people, we don't say our thank you's enough.

Our (hopefully unintentional) thanklessness must, as far as I can tell, stem from habit, embarrassment, self-centeredness, or apathy. Some people just weren't brought up hearing "thank you" that often and so it's not an automatic reflex. Some of us had it drilled into us until it became a negative association: "You say thank you to Aunt Bertha right now or I'll smack you!" To some, a word of thanks is a sign of weakness, a symbol that something was out of their direct control, which can be a very sensitive issue. For others, saying thank you doesn't come to mind because they're too wrapped up in their own problems to think of anything else, including thank you's. Oh well, people will forgive this error, right?

I suppose so, but put yourself in the role of the benevolent one: doesn't that occasional word of really sincere gratitude (perhaps spiced with compliment) stick out as a high point in the day? Doesn't it make you feel good to know that something you did scored a direct hit with someone else?

What's more, we don't seem to even recognize the vat number of times some thanks would be in order. This was emphasized to be by a discussion during which everyone had to lie down on a hard floor in a rather painful and vulnerable position and reflect on just what harm could come to us as long as we had to stay that way. Symbolically, none of us had any control over ourselves. Only someone else's good graces kept us form being hurt. In real life, too, we are often more dependent on others than we realize, and a little more effort in the "thank you" department would be in order.

The gravest error, however, is committed when we neglect to say thank you because we assume the other person already knows how thankful we are, so we take that as reason not to bother saying anything. We've been coming to their store, we've been a friend, associate, or lover for years, shouldn't it be obvious? This is a thought pattern used by those who neglect to say "I love you" as well: my mate should know it because we're still together after all this time. Granted, the other person probably intuitively knows your appreciation, and an occasional slip-up won't bring the world crashing in. But after a time, even those who are convinced that you do appreciate or love them start to hear a voice that says, "Something's wrong. They never say nice things to me anymore." Finally, one day, they come to believe you don't care because you're so unexpressive, and this formerly-cherished someone turns away and leaves because you're so cold. Funny thing, our first thoughts after this happens is invariably, "I should have done more." Leo Buscaglia often uses a pointed example of a poem in which the author describes all the nice things her boyfriend did for her that she never showed appreciation for. Then one day the boyfriend is killed in Viet Nam, and her chances to show that appreciation are forever lost. We can't let this happen, especially with what's dear to us. The message practically shouts, "Do it now!!"

If there are people you need to say "thank you" or "I love you" to, don't even wait to finish reading this. The article will be right here waiting, but you can't guarantee that the people will be as well. Don't let your friends, relatives, lover, or even your boss or employees slip away without telling them what they deserve to hear. What about those long-overdue thank you notes for gifts given? Expressing thanks for them is sadly a lost art. People who love and care for us took hours to pick out something special and rarely get the 15 minutes worth of effort a thank you card would take in return. Go ahead, write it now. Most people will be understanding if you're late, but few will not be hurt if you never do it. An example: How many people in recent years have you dropped from your Christmas Card list because they never send anything back to you? We drop these people because we think they're no longer interested in us. It will be our own fault if we fall out of favor with someone else for the same reason.

It's a tragedy to needlessly let relationships decay, and just a tragic when we fail to take the time to make the world a better place--even though it may be a very small way--with a few appreciative words. We all have some lost ground to regain, so let's at least start trying. Like the poster on my wall, let's "Let no day end before you have spoken words of love, friendship and thanks." Let's learn to say thank you, and say it a lot. Even for those small things that nobody else says thank you for.

By the way, thank you for reading this, too. It's nice to know that, even if I'm just a bunch of faceless words to you, you've found what I have to say worthy of your time. I welcome your input and I hope that in some way, I'm able to make your journeys through relationships a little easier. Thanks again. As always, I wish you the best in happiness and love in the days to come.

from SIMPLY LOVE